Is our always on world causing us to be restless when we could be at ease?

I am restless. I am anxious. I am hopeful and I am relentless.

Perhaps it is that combination that is causing my lack of ease.

I wake up each morning anxious. Doubting the decisions I have made. Wondering if I will be okay and be able to take care of my family. Wondering if I “could” have or “should” have done things differently.

And I wonder when did these feelings all start and how the hell can I make them stop. I don’t want to wake up anxious…every day.

I am taking the necessary steps. I get up, run to the “loo”, brush my teeth, wash my face and then do an online 10–12 minute exercise routine. I need to stop the wheels in my head from spinning and so far this has been the only thing that keeps the anxiety at bay. Believe it or not the routine makes me sweaty so I hop in the shower and I can feel the anxiety in the distance — and beg for it to hit a few red lights before it reaches up through my body and consumes me. Once out of the shower I go through the routine of gently caring for my skin — this also is new for me. Admitedly the wrinkles are showing — which I am okay with — but I am seeking an overall new health state and nurturing my skin from head to toe is part of my new regime and I do it lovingly every day.

I brush my hair and put on my robe and then I sit and meditate. I literally get back in bed and go through a guided meditation for 10–20 minutes depending on the meditation.

At this point the anxiety has been held back — it is in the distance and perhaps its even at a railway crossing and a long long long train is passing through so there is no way it can reach me until I lift those safety gates. And why would I do that?!

I settle back into bed and start to write and plan my day. A few emails, some notes in my journal, some thoughts for a workshop or upcoming speech. And then I drift. I can feel it coming and debate, should I close my eyes and sleep for a few minutes or should I get going. Its early so I actually can make this choice — I have options. I decide to snuggle in. I will set my alarm for 20 minutes and I will snuggle down into my comfy duvet and steal another few minutes.

As I set the timer on my phone I see a notification…do I check knowing it may open the floodgates aka the train gates and set all the wheels in my head in motion. Do I check knowing my anxiety may all of a sudden come racing through my body.

Yes, of course I check! Because I am the eternal optimist and ever hopeful that the notification is good news, a happy post. I will read it and snuggle back in. It will only take a second!

So I check. And of course 10 minutes pass and I am consumed in the surreal world of instagram and facebook and linkedin and then I naturally start writing emails. And I jump from one to the other to ensure I haven’t missed anything. Seriously what could I have missed?

And the anxiety…well its arrived. The moment the safety gates at the train tracks lifted it sped through at lightening speed. I lifted them as I engaged more and more all the messages and posts on my phone — ahh this device — can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.

I am questioning everything and the lovely stories all shared on our networks make me wonder if I am doing the right thing. I’m working hard but not as happy and at ease as I would like to be or as I thought I would be at this point — and that is what gives rise to all the questioning and doubt. Online everyone is happy…we don’t share the pain. I squash my insecurity and try to calm my anxiety. I bring myself to this moment. Everyone is fine. We are all healthy. We are all safe. We have what we need and I have a plan. I need to stick to the plan.

The anxiety is in my throat so I drink my morning lemon water and breathe. My thoughts and the water will if not wash away at least calm its roar.

I am not sure if everyone goes through these emotions. I am not sure if this is because I am now in my early 50s and re-evaluating. I am not sure if it is because I am continuously restless and relentless. I am not sure of the reasons and likely there is a multitude.

What I am sure of is that I should have resisted the temptation to look at the notification. It has a snowball effect that could have waited 20 minutes. Years ago I would have been none the wiser and would have headed into my day as I planned. The distractions far less or at the very least not in the palm of my hand as the message light flashes and the icons all show “new news”. It needs to stop. I need to stop it. I take it out of my hand and put it on my night table.

I hit rewind on my meditation. I close my eyes. I snuggle in. I tell the anxiety to go away. I breathe. I will turn the world off for a few minutes. I will regain myself and I will head confidently into my day. I will achieve what I set out to do and I will make a new rule for myself to not engage until I am truly ready. See you in 10.